2001-06-08 - 3:57 p.m.

And last night my boyfriend and I had a really good, honest talk. I told him some of the things I don't usually say - things about my life, and things I've gone through, and my divorce and life change. Things I don't say because I'm afraid they make me look damaged, or pathetic, or something. But I said them. And later, we lay in bed, talking for hours. And he told me he finds me amazing. That I've experienced and processed some of those things, that I'm self aware, and that I've up and changed my life that way. From country club weekends and law firm dinner parties to the Village and jazz bars and liberal leanings. I explained to him that THIS is who I am. Not her. But I've only just gotten there. Back to myself.

I always view it in a negative way - I shouldn't have screwed up so badly before. Other people view it differently (well, not all - I'm still always shocked to find people stigmatizing me for being divorced)people that matter to me - they view it as, I don't know, courageous. Or something. My Mom and I were talking about my new life, too - and she said, "I never could have done what you did. I'd be sitting in the suburbs being miserable." I wish I could see it that way more often. Wish I could stop being so hard on myself. Stop feeling like I SHOULD. Should be thinking about my future, should be thinking about a family, should be living in a house with a picket fence and tulips and 2.5 kids.

I plan on staying in the city this weekend - I want to write, and go to yoga, and take care of my bills, and see my friend and her baby tomorrow, and relax. But I'm tempted - to go to the beach with my girlfriends, to go upstate with my boyfriend, to go to my parents and spend some time with my puppy. I need some me time, I need to sit still. At the very least I'm going to try to play it by ear. Maybe I'll even update.

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