2001-06-12 - 6:07 p.m.

First, I got an invitation to a bridal shower for my childhood best friend. A little backstory - we grew up across the street from each other, and her Mom died of cancer when we were seven. My mom became her surrogate, and she practically lived at my house. Because she was left motherless at such a tender age, she was always extremely needy. And demanding. And jealous of me. So we were close as sisters, but we definitely had our moments, and that has carried over into our adult lives as well. And to make a long story short, there are times that I just can't take it - that I cut her out, because I'm so sick and tired of it being all about her. Of her demands and her craziness. BUT - a few months ago I was out of town, and she stayed at my apartment, and everything was fine, so I thought. Until I get the shower invitation. So, fine, I figure she's just mad over some imagined slight. But today I got an email from her sister - saying the wedding has been "unfortunately postponed" and there will be no shower. So I say screw it, and call my friend. Phone no longer in order. I call her boyfriend's house - no longer in order. Weird.

I also had dinner last night with Jay, who I've been friends with forever. He's always been a little in love with me, or with who he'd like to think I am, anyway. And now he's getting married again. We sat last night, over way too much wine and great steaks, and he told me how he really feels. And how, although he knows that realistically we probably would never work out, and he knows that I don't feel that same way, he hopes he never loses the way he feels about me. That when I come into the room, he still gets a thrill. And no matter what else is going on in his life, his feelings for me have been constant. And that makes me feel good, especially since he's not trying to get anything from me. He's a good guy, a true gentleman, and I wish I could feel something for him. But it was strange for him to be so direct about it. We left the restaurant to a torrential downpour - a cab pulled up, I told him to grab it, and he got in while I ran down the block to my place. This morning he called to tell me that he felt strange about the abrupt leave-taking, but in a way it was fitting. That he should run and get the cab, look over his shoulder, and find me gone.

It's staying with me today, not quite sure why.

I'm going home now - I feel strange.

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