2001-06-15 - 3:48 p.m.

I can't even tell you how hysterical this thing is. And, to disprove yesterday's theory that I'm a slacker and don't want to do any planning, I have now learned to say the important things in Italian.

Fuck off

Leave me alone

Do you have a light?

Take your clothes off

I am.... cold, hot, thirsty, hungry

a pack of cigarettes, please

Please don't stop

Let's do it again

And a few more dirty things I can't write in here because I'll blush. This phrasebook is hysterical. Really. It also tells you how to ask for drugs (the illegal kind), how to say fetish and bondage and ask where the bordello is. It's the Lonely Planet one, and I think I might have to write them a fan letter. I went and met my friend Red at Japonica for sushi last night, and we spent a half hour going through it and giggling like teenagers. I mean, it gives you the phrase for "to have a hard on". Good Lord.

On the way to the office this morning, I passed one of those UHO tables - you know, where they always have some marginally sane person behind the table yelling "One penny, one penny, one penny can make a difference." You NYers know who I mean. The deal with this organization is that they hire the formerly homeless to collect money. I know this because I'm a freak magnet, and the crazy lady who used to do it outside my building used to corner me and tell me her life story. Anyway, this particular guy is a little suspect to begin with. Half the time he falls asleep at the table, and the other half he's yelling his pitch at an ear-splitting decibel, thereby forcing his target to cross the street.

But this morning he was awake, coherent, and speaking in a normal range. As I approach, he asks me if he can buy a cigarette from me. Now, I don't take money for cigarettes, but before I can say, no, just take it..... he goes to put his hand in the jar of change! The money supposedly going to the UHO - to buy himself a cigarette!! I froze, hand with cigarette outstretched - "Were you going to STEAL money from there to pay me for a cigarette? What is wrong with you?" I put my cigarette back and stalked off, shaking my head. I guess the point of this is - don't give those people any money. If you can't see where your money is going, chances are it ain't where you think.

Bastards.

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