2001-06-25 - 5:24 p.m.

Saturday I had a very emotional errand with a cousin of mine, which was pretty draining. Then a family graduation party - it was meant to be a barbecue, and my uncle, who is a caterer, brought some great tents, but it poured intermittently the whole day. In between, there were horseshoes and I spent about an hour being the designated adult at the trampoline, monitoring four kids between the ages of 3 and 8, all fighting for turns. Every once in a while one of the kids parents, relatives all, would come by, express delight at my handling the kids, and go back to have some much-needed adult conversation. All the kids dig me, always have. A combination, I think, of the fact that I will do ANYTHING with them, including riding the quarter kiddie rides at the mall, and my general immaturity. My brother is always horrified at the fact that I think nothing of riding around his cul-de-sac on my niece's 6-year old girlie bike, while she stands on the sidewalk and claps. I have no shame, people. None.

But Sunday. Sunday I had a meltdown at the hardware store. I went to there, in my hometown, to have some keys made. And while I was standing there waiting, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I missed that life - having a house, going to Home Depot to buy molding and screens and paint, all of it. So I stood there, fighting tears, then I got in the car, put on my sunglasses, and cried all the way home, where I promptly laid on the floor with my dog and cried some more. I miss it sometimes - the security, the familiarity of that life - the little things, like making coffee in my big kitchen, with the dog and the cat sitting at my feet. Like planting flowers in my yard, and planning barbecues, and going to the grocery store. Staying in on Friday nights, doing laundry and renting movies, reading on the couch while the X watched Sport Center or whatever.

The boyfriend and I do that kind of thing sometimes, but it's not the same. As much as he's given me free reign upstate, it's still not mine. He says ours. Our garden. Our flowers. But they're not, not really. So that was that. Then I took the train back to the city, and as the PATH pulled into Christopher Street, I realized that P wanted me to go to the Gay Pride festivities with him. I am a sucky friend. But I wouldn't have been any fun anyway, what with the swollen eyes and the red nose and all.

Today I'm feeling better, although my psycho boss is torturing me about my upcoming vacation. And last week I had my final city dinner with Beau and Jeff, who are closing TODAY! The next day Beau thanked me for being their biggest cheerleader in their move -it's because I know how good that life can be. I'm so excited for them, and can't wait to hear that it's all final.

And I actually got some sleep last night - not nearly as loud or crazy as last year's Parade night.

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