2001-07-20 - 2:10 p.m.

She widens her eyes and turns the picture around. Niece: Who's THIS?

Me: That's the boyfriend

Niece: He went to Italy with you?

Me: Yup.

Niece: Hmmm. Did he have a divorce too?

Me: (dammit, X, dammit dammit dammit) No.

Niece: How old is he?

Me:38

N: If you marry him, he'll be my uncle

Me: Mmm hmm

N: Why did you get divorced?

Me: It's a long story, sweetie, but mostly because Uncle X didn't want to have kids

N: And you did?

Me: Of course I did

N: Well, why don't you have any then?

Me: Because I didn't get remarried (I know, I know, but I wasn't up for a whole discussion..)

N: I don't think you should have kids

Me: Why not?

N: Because you're always busy. Or on the train or something. Where would you put them? And anyway, then you won't be able to take me places and stuff.

She kills me. She was four years old when I got divorced, and the WORST part of the whole thing was having to tell her. It broke my heart, and I hated that I had to be the one to teach her what divorce was. And I am thankful that the X and I didn't have kids, because I don't know that I would have been able to leave him then. I'd be a martyr, staying with him for the kids sake, because it would be too hard to tell them.

And now, I sometimes get nervous. I don't want to have children right now. I'm not ready, I'm too confused, I'm still trying to figure things out.

But.

I'm 34 years old. I've seen too much, gone through too much, to ever just panic and get married, have kids. Like so many women seem to.It will have to be right - the right guy, the right situation. And I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up, and be 45, and have missed it. And that just sucks. I go through this every time those kids are in town. Which life, which path? I'll get over it, I suppose.

Unless I want to get together with the skinny, dirty old coot who whistled at me this morning, wearing sandals with tissues sticking out from between his toes, and a black plastic bag tied like an ascot around his throat. I think he might have had two pairs of pants on, too. 'Cause nobody turns on the mentally ill like I do.

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