2001-07-31 - 4:48 p.m.

I don't have much to say these days, I feel. Except that after all this mushy goodness with the boyfriend, I'm starting to identify my knee-jerk reactions. What I mean is that in certain situations, I respond as I was conditioned by the X, instead of appropriately for this relationship. Last weekend he went to the H@mptons. I HATE the H@mptons. I'd rather sit in the sweltering city than be part of that scene - who drives a more expensive car, girls spending hours getting ready to go out, primping and wearing cocktail dresses, and all these people pushing forty trying to hook up in bars. Ugh. I feel like I'm a hundred years old in that scene. And the boyfriend doesn't do it very often - but let's face it, he's been single and living in NYC for 15 years - these are the things his friends do. So I get kind of freaked out by it,sometimes. Like it can't possibly work because his friends still act like they're 20. Stupid, I know. He's nothing like that - and called me on Saturday night from a bar on his cell phone, to tell me he missed me and that he hates the scene. But it bothers me. I guess because the X always made me feel like I was no fun, that there was something wrong with me for not wanting to go out to bars until all hours, or not wanting to go on some golf weekend.

I also get pissy with him sometimes, for no reason. Well, for that same stupid reason. I remember X wanting to go on yet another golf weekend, and me asking him not to, that I'd like to spend just one weekend away, me and him. And he wouldn't do it, ever. Had to do what he wanted to do. The boyfriend, on the other hand, will give up anything if I ask him to. (which I don't. I want him to have his own life, separate from me, and wouldn't want him telling me what to do) But still I react like he's the X. I was kind of bothered by this last night, and couldn't sleep, and the boyfriend refused to sleep if I couldn't - talked to me and held me until I fell asleep. He's so good...I've really got to work on this.

Other than that, I spent the weekend with my niece and nephew, and will have dinner with them tomorrow and then they go back. I had dinner with my friend Ken on Sunday night, and went to a movie last night, and am going to the Yankee game tonight. And, no, I don't know who they're playing.

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