2001-08-10 - 3:08 p.m.

Meanwhile, my reluctance is driving my bf crazy - he's offering a million alternatives - he'll get a ride and leave me his car so I can come tomorrow, he'll pick me up at the train station, etc....he doesn't know what to do to make me happy, and the truth is neither do I. I think I'm afraid to go and see that part of his life, to spend the whole weekend with his friends. I like his friends, for the most part. BUT - we're talking about a bunch of guys pushing forty, living like they're in college. Sometimes he'll be telling me some story, about the little dramas of who is dating who, and what happened, etc... and I feel like snapping at him "Yeah, that's great. But I left JR.HIGH 20 years ago." Does this make me a terrible person? It's a small part of his life, the beach house shares, and the bar-hopping nights, but still. I feel like I left that behind a hundred lifetimes ago.

So, I'm feeling undecided and pissy, which is really not the way I like to end my Fridays. Why is it so hard for me to decide what I want? (this is, of course, a BIG question, and transcends the weekend decision.) What do I want? And is this it? I'm afraid this kind of shit is going to be our downfall - that I'm okay with it right now, but concerned about the future. It's one thing for him to be off doing this crap now (he always invites me, and I decide if I'll go or not) but what about a year from now? Five years? It's a whole different thing in the long term, isn't it? Things I thought were minor annoyances in my relationship with X, turned out to be heavily weighted later on. It's one thing to miss someone while they're off doing their thing, and quite another when they're off doing their thing and you're sitting home to wait for the sprinkler guy and the landscaper.

Yes, I probably am confusing my issues. I still feel like crying, though.

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