2001-09-10 - 5:07 p.m.

What's with the new 2 trains? Although I appreciate the shiny, brand spankin' new cars, I must object to that ungodly interrogation-room-intensity lighting you've installed. Is not subway commuting bad enough, without having to look at all the weary, smelly passengers under those glaring lights? I'm thinking wall sconces. Maybe a piece of silk over those lights. Work with me here, will you?

Thank you in advance for your cooperation,

Trouble

***************************************

Dear Food Network,

I used to love you. I used to get you on Channel 50, and I was so happy. But now, when I put Channel 50 on, you're not there. You've been replaced by the EMERIL network, which I'm pretty sure is run by Satan himself. Emeril L(I)ve makes me want to put a red hot poker in my eye. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine who the hell watches this new network, although, from the amount of cheering and "BAM!"s that I hear, there must be more devil worshippers out there than I ever imagined. I'm sorry you're gone, Food Network. I'll hold strong against the influence of evil.

Sadly,

Trouble

**************************************

Dear P@mela Anderson,

Please do not ever again subject me to the horror of you rubbing the skanky belly of Kid R(o)ck on Cable TV. The combination of your plastic, stupid self and his crowing "i'm having sex with a barbie doll" nastiness makes me want to hurl. I couldn't eat for the rest of the day. Please, if you must be seen with him in public, don't make me watch you fondle him.

I don't want to have to melt you on the radiator,

Trouble

last - next