2001-12-09 - 5:27 p.m.

Anyway, I missed this place. Have been writing endlessly in my paper journals, though.

So, let's see... what I've been feeling: Mostly relief. The first day (Thursday) I woke up in a panic, but had talked myself down from it by noon. And since then, I've been feeling so damn grateful not to have to dread getting up, and dragging myself into that soul-sucking office. I am feeling really good so far, and the reality of the situation is that I'm probably not going to get anything until after the new year. I've (semi) decided that I'm not going to take that job offer. I may be kicking myself in a month or two, but I know it isn't the right thing. I have a few things in the works, although they won't come to fruition until January, so I'm going to try to enjoy the next few weeks, make a few calls and follow up on what's current, and start worrying about it in then.

What I've been doing: Christmas shopping, yoga, coffee at home and morning pages, lunches with P and Monica and A, reading and cooking and wandering around the city. And I'm really, really enjoying it. Maybe I do need that sugar daddy after all.

Friday I had lunch with A, who I haven't seen in months. We decided to meet at Union Square, at the south steps. Except that the south steps have been taken over by one of my favorite things, the holiday market. I am a sucker for any market, and this one was especially up my alley. A was late, so I did a little shopping. Man, those things kill me. When A finally called my cell, I picked it up and said, " Holiday Market. Must. Spend. Money." I was about to shell out $20 bucks for some crazy french soap, but he got there just in time to save me.

So we had lunch outside at Republic. Outside. In December. This is some freaky weather, and decidedly non-Christmasy, but good for my spirits, as I can be out and about all day. A was actually at the WTC when the second tower fell, so I listened to all the gory details. Man. In a strange way it feels like it happened ages ago, like all this is normal now. Anyway, we had a great time and walked around a bit after and talked, for the first time, about what happened between us. I was glad to connect with him again, and he was really supportive about my joblessness. He's a reporter for a local news station, born and bred in Manhattan, and being out with him in the city is always an amazing experience.

I also went to a party on Thursday night, sort of a circuit party of late-thirties single people, who've been doing the scene for so long that they've all pretty much dated each other, or otherwise overlapped. "See that guy? That's the guy that Maria hooked up with in the Hamptons last summer..."

Y'all. It makes me want to run screaming from the bar and move to Montana. I decided right then and there that I will never attend another one. (not that I do often, anyway) They're usually disguised as fund-raisers or political events, but the reality is, they're pretty much singles bars for the perpetually post-college mindset. Ugh. I told my hairdresser about it, and she laughed. "That exact thing happened to me too. I was standing there thinking ' oh my God, this is awful.' and my friend came up behind me and said 'This isn't funny anymore, is it?'"

Old AND unemployed. Damn.

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