2002-01-13 - 11:22 p.m.

I expect that I will be taking a job by the end of the week. Hopefully it will be the second position in the company I want, but if not then I'll take the one I have on the table.

I'm ready to go back to work, I think. I don't know, I've loved this time off, and there is a part of me that wants to take some more, wants to not have to think about work and smiling and dry cleaning. But I suppose it's time. I am going to try to continue to live in this more frugal manner. Giving up magazines and new books and pedicures is no hardship. The library won't kill me. Less nights out drinking, good. More nights cooking, also good. Staying in has meant lots of writing, which is excellent. Hasn't motivated me to get my sorry ass to the gym, though.

And here's the thing. I don't really care, that much. Yes, I gained a few pounds when I moved into the city. And I fatted out of my jeans for the first time EVER. But for the most part, I look at myself naked and I think, "You're almost 35 years old. You look goddamn GOOD."

But this worries me a bit, because it may well be denial. You know how an anorexic looks in the mirror and still sees fat? What if I look in the mirror and still see thin?

The boyfriend and I were at a restaurant in NJ a few months ago. And next to us was an elderly couple, regulars at this place. She was a little tiny thing, wearing a jewelled sweatsuit and velcro-closure black crepe soles, and had rings on every finger. And she was wearing this, this, WIG. It defied description. A sort of modified Farrah flip, the color of a dull, tarnished penny. It was a transvestite hooker wig, for god's sake. AND it was crooked on her head. The boyfriend caught me staring, and told me to cut it out. I leaned across the table and whispered, "That could happen to me, you know. When I'm old I could not really realize it, and put on some old hooker wig and think, 'Damn, girl, you look GOOD.'"

And the boyfriend said, "I never knew anyone who thought so much about what they'll be like when they're old."

But the chicken old lady story will have to wait for another day.

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