2002-01-20 - 1:30 p.m.

I've been kind of crabby with the boyfriend this weekend, I don't know why. My fuse is short and my nerves feel close to the skin, and I'm snapping at him and pushing him away. I know it's me, me not feeling so great about me these days, but I'm not sure how to stop it.

And apparently it's not just him I'm irritating towards. I talked to my Mom on the phone today, and in the middle of our casual chitchat she said, "You really hurt my feelings the other day, and now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I didn't even know if I should tell you."

Sigh. Here's what happened. I called her at work to talk the other day, and ended up on the phone with my friend Patty for a while (she works with my Mom) When she transferred me to my mother, she picked up the phone and asked me what was new. I said nothing and she said, "Oh. I thought maybe you were calling to tell me you took a job."

I know she didn't mean anything by it, but as all you other unemployed d-landers know, you really don't need to hear about it. You know, AT ALL. I do enough self-flagellation on a daily basis, and "oh, I thought you might have a job," rings with reproach in my ears, deliberate or not.

So I sighed heavily, and told her that I was sorry, that I know she didn't mean anything by it, but if I had a job she'd know it. I don't need any reminders. She's very sensitive, my mother. And that 'I wasn't going to say anything...' As lovely as my family is, they are notorious confrontation-avoiders. I am a confrontation-haver. Obviously this sometimes means hurt feelings on some parts, and frustration on others (mine!) I cannot understand my mother talking to me about a family issue, saying that she doesn't know what to do and she's worried and not sleeping. Um, how about you CALL THE PEOPLE INVOLVED and find out? I try to explain it to her, "Mom, he's your BROTHER. Call him and tell him how you feel. Do you think for one second that if I was angry at Chris (my brother) that I wouldn't call him and talk about it? Jeez.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. It's a beautiful one, sunny and warm, and I'm going out to play with P. Later.

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