2002-01-28 - 11:38 p.m.

It was great to see A, I'm glad we've become friends again. We went through some bad times, and fell out of touch a bit. When we first met, we went out on a few really stellar dates. After that, things deteriorated, but we still went out. Usually at his initiative, and always with his friends, or to restaurants his friends owned. One of his friends coaches a college team here, and he took me to a couple of the games. And I started to feel like he just wanted his friends to see him out with me. I don't mean that because I'm so fabulous, but I felt like I was some sort of weird pretend girlfriend. He'd do things like invite me to his place when he had his mom and sister over for dinner, but we didn't really spend time alone, except in bed. And in bed we were, well, mind blowing. I don't think I've ever met anyone so clearly on my sexual wavelength as A. And we were friends - he's a very caring, nurturing guy. He'd bring me juice and medicine when I was sick, things like that. But we never really had any deep connection. I didn't think he had any interest in me as a PERSON, just as a girlfriend figure. Or something.

Anyway, we've really moved past it. I stopped returning his calls, and he stopped calling, and a few months later he got back in touch. And now, I really like being with him, and I'm glad for that. He brought it up at dinner tonight, that he's been trying to figure out why we get along so well. We've opened up, and there's no more weirdness, and he knows all about the boyfriend, so that's cool.

Except. Before dinner, I met him at his apartment. I played with the dog, and we watched some tapes of his from work, and talked a bit. We were getting ready to leave for dinner, and he kissed me. Fucker. I kissed him back, I couldn't help it. And then I stopped it and we left for dinner, and we talked about it. We talked about guilt, and I realized that guilt isn't an issue for me, at least not in relation to sex, or relationships. I'm not sure if that's a character flaw, or what. What can guide me, however, is empathy. I thought about the boyfriend, and how crushed he'd be if I slept with someone else. And that's it, there's no way I'd do it. But I gotta admit, I was sorely tempted.

And now I'm home, watching AbFab and drinking coffee, and looking forward to a bath and my new book and a little TV. I usually don't do book reviews here, and I read a shitload of books. During this unemployment I've been reading about 6 a month. But this one - Intimacy by Hanif Kureishi - oh my God, it's amazing. It's exactly the kind of book I love, beautifully written about the human condition. It's the story of a man, on the night before he's going to leave the mother of his children - it's absolutely riveting. In case you're looking for a book.

And no one answered my question about googling my diaryland name. Bastards.

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