2002-01-29 - 12:26 a.m.

Trance mentioned in her entry today that someone complimented her son on his (model) behavior, and it made Trance want to do the happy dance. She said she wished more people would compliment each other. And I've been thinking about that. I always want to say things to people. "I love your haircut...(or puppy, or whatever) But I sometimes feel funny when I do. As if I'm aggressively pushing into their personal space. I'm a New Yorker - we live in our small, personal bubbles. And there is a boundary, believe me. And sometimes I don't do it, even though I think about it. Once I saw a woman reading literature from a 12 step program. I thought about the journals I read of people who are in recovery, and I want to say something to her. But I don't know, is that appropriate? I always like it when people say nice things to me. I'm just never sure. If someone has a tragedy, I always opt to say it. I know that saying the wrong thing, or admitting that you don't know what to say, is better than not saying anything at all. Much better. Must also apply to happier situations, no?

Once I was going into the subway on West 4th Street, and there was a young woman whose Metro Card wouldn't work, and she was getting agitated, and the train was pulling in. So I leaned over and swiped her through with my card, she said thanks, and I went to the platform. We'd missed the train, though, and I saw her standing on the platform near me, but was reading my book. And she came up and said, "Thank you for doing that, it was really nice. Why did you do it?" And I shrugged and said, "Why wouldn't I?" She said it was the nicest thing a stranger ever did for her. Which is kind of sad, really. I've had strangers do much nicer things than that.

When I was getting divorced, I was in a bit of a quandry. Things were fairly amicable, and we were splitting the cost of the lawyers. We agreed that he would file, as it would save us money, and I decided to get a lawyer to check it all out. I got a reference from my boss at the time, who belonged to the same country club as a partner in a firm. I made an appointment to see her, and we reviewed everything, and she said everything was in order. She said, "Do you want to go after his law firm?" And I said no, I just wanted half of what was ours and I wanted to move on. I asked if that was stupid of me, and she said no, it was a new firm and the cost of the possible legal battle could escalate higher than the actual payoff. And then she took off her glasses, and asked me what happened. And I told her. I thanked her for her time and support, and took out my checkbook. And she put her hand on my arm. "No charge." I said, no no I can't do that, let me pay you for the time, at least..." and she put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed and said, "Go forward." And I thanked her again, and got on the elevator, and promptly burst into tears, which lasted out the building, into the parking lot, and for about a half an hour of sitting in the car before I could pull myself together to drive home.

So be nice to strangers. But don't take candy from them.

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