2002-02-11 - 7:58 p.m.

And the one I feel today? Most often, lately? Inhibited. It just hit me.

I don't know how to explain this one. I feel inhibited. There is nothing external doing this, it's self induced. I feel stifled, muffled a little, like I need to move but am wading through a thickness. Depression? I don't think so - I'm actually feeling better than I have in a long time - I'm getting up easily in the morning, I'm in the office before 9, I'm feeling lighter and bouncier in general. This weekend I got tons of sleep, didn't drink at all, got a little exercise, and smoked 2 cigarettes in 2 days. I should feel fabulous and energetic, and on some level I do. But I still feel like something is holding me back.

And in other news, my boss asked me if I wanted to take a business trip with her next week. She said it was up to me, and asked if I was available personally. I told her yes, I was, and then she told me about it - 5 cities in 5 days. Now, I've taken this trip before, with another company. On their private jet. And even with that unfathomable luxury, it was brutal. This particular trip, which does not have anything to do with my own job, begins on Monday morning at the heinous hour of 5 a.m, to be at the airport for a 6:10 flight.

Phoenix, Ft. Worth, Miami, Chicago, and some god-forsaken town in Tennessee. We would arrive back in NY on Friday night at 9:30. All of this with trunks and security checks on commercial airlines. Basically, she physically has a lot to take with her, and she needs someone to help. She told me she could take two of the salesmen in our office with her, but she thought I might want to meet the client. The politically correct thing for the new girl to do is to go - trial by fire and all that. Some might argue that she was showing confidence in me, and that I should take full advantage of that offering, smiling and thanking her for the opportunity through gritted teeth all the way. Understand that I am also, by nature, a political creature. Jerry is amazed at the ease with which I give management or others of importance exactly what I know they want. I'm aware of the undercurrent.

I'm also aware that I'm not that girl any more. Nor do I want to be. So today, when my boss said, "You think about it and let me know. It's a hellish, brutal trip, and I don't want to piss you off so early in the game." And I said, "It's your call. I'd rather not go, I can attend the Dallas meeting in April to meet the client. But if you think it's important that I'm there, then I'll go." And you know what that means, right? I'm not going. No fucking way.

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