2002-03-02 - 1:47 p.m.
I've gone through a major life change this past year or so. I moved to the city, in part, to try to find out what I want, who I am, outside of the context of my family and my life. Not as someone's wife, or daughter, or lifelong friend. Of course there were some sacrifices involved. Not having my dog with me every day, not being able to stop into my Mom's on my way home from work, not having those comfortable friends that feel like family to turn to whenever I felt a little down, or lonely. Separating myself from the daily current of my family and friends. I've learned, in my life, how fortunate I am to have them. In my darkest days, I don't know what I would have done without them. They surrounded me when John died, and although I don't have many specific memories of those first few days, I remember who was there. I'll never forget that. And when I got divorced, and my girlfriends all took the day off from work to help me pack up the house, secretly throwing out wedding things and packing up pictures so I wouldn't have to see them. My old high school guy friends, with whom I'd mostly kept up only sporadically, rallied around and physically took care of me. Sat and talked and danced with me, in a protective little circle, at a wedding only a week after I left my husband. I am blessed, and I know it.But I chose to leave them, to see who I am without the filter of their eyes. And this is something, I realize, that I should have done long ago. But I was in college when John killed himself, and it was all I could do to get through my days. I couldn't possibly have left them, I couldn't have functioned. And I moved to the city for a short time a few years later, but it was different then. I was running wild, keeping everyone away from the real me, including myself. I built that armor thick, and I didn't ever want anyone to get through. If I regret anything in my life, it's the people that I hurt during that time - that selfish, crazy time. So I had my fun, and then I moved back to the suburbs, and I met the X and got married. And that didn't work out so well. And then, this moving to the city again, this time on my own.
And I'm finding that girl I was looking for. She's not exactly who I was expecting, but there are some things that can't be filtered from your memory. I'm sitting in my apartment, listening to the hooves of the mounted policemans horse, watching J@cques Pepin on F00d TV, and drinking coffee. I was thinking about last night, and all the conversations the boyfriend and I had, silly and serious, and about how happy I am. And although I feel some residual guilt about missing kids birthday parties, and Sunday dinner at my grandmothers, and spending almost daily time with my Mom, I haven't felt so peaceful in...well, maybe ever. Even when I'm sad, or depressed, it seems fleeting, even while I'm experiencing it. Comfortable in my own skin, although I still have a long way to go. I feel like it's taking me a long time to grow up. I know that I should have been truer to myself, less scared, and I should have done this long ago.
But hey, better late than never.
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last five entries:
done - 2005-09-16
playgroup, my ass - 2005-09-15
late, but heartfelt - 2005-09-13
she lives - 2005-08-18
cheese me - 2005-05-20