2002-04-27 - 1:33 p.m.
I feel like shit today. Last night we went out to celebrate P's birthday, beginning with a champagne cocktail party at a friends apartment, and ending at The Pyr@mid. It was all fun and we drank and laughed and acted silly and took pictures, and Wendy sang an a cappella solo version of happy birthday in the style of M@rilyn M0nroe. We got to the club, Red and I were having a good time, the boyfriend was even dancing, and all of a sudden I just HAD to get out of there. The dark, crowded dance floor, and the smoky bar lined with people three deep just got to me, all at once, and I had to go. I squeezed my way back to the group dancing, and told them I had to go to the bar, had to get some water and get out of the crush, and P said, no, no, don't go..but I pushed back out and went to get a $4 bottle of water from the bartender while the boyfriend got our coats, and we just left. I felt bad, ditching out like that, but I wasn't the first in our party to do so, and I just wanted out.This shouldn't bother me. I don't like doing it, I've already had many years of early-morning homecomings. So why do I feel like it's some FLAW? Most of the people I know who are my age don't do it anymore, either - but here, in this city, I feel like I'm no fun because I refuse the bar scene. I think it's that it doesn't fit the image of myself that I still carry, the fun, laughing girl who's up for anything. I can still do it, on vacation for example, but it all seems so pointless to me now. I stand there, in the middle of a huge crowd of shirtless boys and stylish women, dancing and drinking and laughing, and I feel nothing. I don't want to talk to these people, I don't want to dance or do drugs in the bathroom or banter with strangers. I need to stop worrying about it, I know.
And waking up today feeling like a truck ran over me isn't helping. Neither is the boyfriend and his crowd of bar-hopping friends, although last night was it was my friends. I don't know, is this going to be a problem for he and I down the road? Very well could be.
But this afternoon we're going to the museum, and maybe to a movie, and tonight we'll go see a friend's band play at a little dive bar, and maybe I'll feel better.
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last five entries:
done - 2005-09-16
playgroup, my ass - 2005-09-15
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she lives - 2005-08-18
cheese me - 2005-05-20