2002-05-09 - 7:13 p.m.

Ly1e L0vett, Cryin Shame

I've been thinking about how much I'm going to miss this apartment. But then, I've missed other places before, haven't I?

Getting divorced, losing your place in the world and the life you'd grown used to, it takes something away from you. I suppose it didn't have to be so bad, suppose I could have just stayed in my suburban town, lived in my house, gone to my Mom's for dinner on Sundays, spent my time with my lifelong friends and their kids.

But I didn't, and I certainly don't regret it. It's just that it was a painful road, you know? Something inside you dies, something gets extinguished. With any loss, I suppose. Even though, finally, you get to a better place, that's the toll you have to pay. No point in thinking about whether or not it's worth it, to tear up your life like that, because it's over and done with, and when you're leaving you're doing it blindly, hoping it will be better but unable to calculate the cost. Jumping into the abyss, with your eyes closed and your fingers crossed.

I've learned a lot of shit, for sure. Not just from my divorce, but from all the loss in my life. I've learned compassion, and acceptance, learned to be open minded and open hearted. Learned to let things go, to live in the here and now, and that the only way to be happy is to make peace with YOURSELF.

But some days, some dark days, I feel like I've lost more than I've gained. Today is one of those days.

And those aren't good days to update. Back tomorrow.

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