2002-06-11 - 9:40 p.m.

I ended up staying out in NJ this weekend, which was really what I needed, I think. The boyfriend stayed out with me Friday night, then we went to breakfast in town and I walked home, and he headed back to the city with a high school friend to go to the game. I had a fabulous day, I sat in the park for a while and thought about my life, this one vs. that one, generally feeling sorry for myself for a bit. But the sun was shining and the flowers were in bloom and it was warm and quiet and I shook it off. I walked the rest of the way home, and saw a few people I know, and then I realized that I had gotten up, wet down my hair to tame it a little, and went out. I'm so used to it here in this anonymous city, where everyone I know is new and no one has any preconceived notion of me. But there, in my hometown? Shit, I know everyone. I worried for a minute, that I had just gone out looking like hell, and then I realized I really don't give a shit. Heh.

Anyway, I ended up going to my friend Debbie's new house, with her husband and our friend Ken, and then Lauren joined us and we went to dinner and caught up and laughed, then went back to Debbie's again for coffee on the deck. It felt really good, to just sit and have a beer, with all these people who really know me. Got home at midnight, went to bed, and then had coffee and bagels and read the paper with my Mom on the patio, and sat out there until early afternoon, drinking iced tea and filling in the diplomas for a pre-school graduation - diplomas! Too cute. With my freakshow at my feet. It was a good, good weekend.

Well, 'till Sunday, when I went to a 40th birthday party with a bunch of the boyfriend's friends, and I got a little freaked out. It all went well enough, because there were a bunch of our mutual friends there as well. But I started worrying about it, about a life filled with the Lost Boys, and I stewed over it long enough that by the time we got home, I started a "discussion" that quickly deteriorated into an argument.

We argued about it, and then we talked, and I was so frustrated that for the first time ever, I got into bed and rolled over, away from him. After about an hour, he rolled up behind me and put his arms around me, and I wanted to turn around and hug him back, really I did. But I just COULDN'T. I felt paralyzed, with what I later realized was fear. I'm so afraid to make another mistake, to overlook some difference, some ordinary issue, and have it turn out to be the catalyst for the blow out. He said I was looking for problems, looking for trouble, and he was afraid it would turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. And he's right. So I went to work on Monday, and I talked to my girls, and I called to tell him he was right, that his friends are well-meaning and nice enough, and that it's not big enough to break us. That was a close one. Some scary self destructive patterns, right there. I guess the good news is that I'm catching it now. Have to also keep in mind the mitigating factors, like PMS and the upcoming cohabitation date, looming large. Icandothis, I candothis, I candothis.

Last night we went to the baseball game, and tonight I got my hair highlighted and am home now, slowly cleaning out my cabinets and vanity and dresser. And today, all is well.

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