2002-06-07 - 9:39 p.m.

I was feeling really down about it last night, it was pouring rain, and I was tired from market, and the boyfriend called me to see if I wanted to go to the East Village to meet him and a few of his friends for a drink. I thought about what that would entail - the makeup, the taming of the hair, the futility of trying to get a crosstown cab in the pouring rain, and what the outcome would be - 3 or so hours of sitting around bullshitting with the boys and the one very annoying girl that is relentlessly, cheerfully, trying to make this group her own. And so I passed.

And then I realized that it was only 9:30, and that I hadn't been out all week, and that maybe I could use a drink, low-key, or coffee somewhere. I ran through my mental list of people I could call, and I could not think of a single one, not one that I could stomach when I was feeling low, and P is in San Francisco, and all my girlfriends are an hour away, bathing babies, finishing dinner, exhausted and busy and anticipating bedtime. And I've had them forever, although I've made new ones along the way, and so I never learned to pursue friendship, really. Sometimes it just happens, you meet a woman that you click with, that sees things in a similar way and gets your jokes. One that doesn't require daily phone calls to maintain a friendship with.

But how do you seek that out? And why do I feel like such a loser?

One the upside, it's Friday, and I'm getting ready to go out to NJ for a family dinner and a night with my puppy. I'm still up in the air about tomorrow - I may decide to stay out there, or to go down to the beach to have dinner with Ellen, or just come back to the city and go out, and Sunday I have a 40th birthday party for a long time acquaintance at his parents house in the suburbs. And then next week, another week of market, and I have to take care of the details of re-leasing this apartment.

And goddamnit, I need Jane.

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