2002-06-27 - 8:31 p.m.

We've been having these freak rainstorms, I got completely soaked yesterday coming back from my sushi lunch with Deb. And tonight, just as I was shutting down the computer, the skies turned black and it started raining. I was trying to get out of work early, but of course that didn't happen, so it was almost 7 by then, and I had to get the fucking boxes. Once again, bag of garment bags, umbrella, purse, and giant bundle of flattened boxes. Back out again to drop off my laundry, and get cigarettes, and then I did my usual procrastination dance of cooking dinner and making coffee and smoking and returning phone calls. Oh, and updating. No actual packing has occurred, yet. Ahem.

I went to the new apartment before dinner last night, and got all excited again. And tonight is my last night in this apartment, but I don't feel sad like I expected to. Although my next door neighbor called me, and when I answered the phone she said, "No, say it isn't true! You're not moving! We're going to miss you." So that made me feel warm and fuzzy.

But I don't know if I'm just in denial about all of this, this moving in and this commitment and the actual moving logistics and the death of my dog. Because I don't feel freaked out, and I don't feel all emotional, I actually feel kind of, serene, almost.

People always tell me I'm strong in times of strife, that I always seem to hold it all together. And what that is, is automatic pilot. You go on, because it's the only place to go. I mean, I cry and I get depressed and all that, but I never really break down completely. And that's not such a good thing sometimes. I have to try not to just push past, I have to take the time to adjust and absorb it all. So I'm trying to update, and I'm trying to write in my journal, and get all this shit down. Because at some point, I'm going to have to stop and think about it all.

But not tonight, because I have a shitload of packing to do. Oh, and have I mentioned? I'm moving onto the gayest street in the Village on the Friday of Gay Pride Weekend. Stellar planning, right there.

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