2002-09-26 - 11:40 p.m.

~I had dinner with my old old friend Ellen tonight. Ellen remembers every single thing that we ever did, all the way back to elementary school. Me, I let all that slide. I just hold on to the big stuff, and the little stuff that means something, and everything else sort of falls through the sieve. She spent 15 minutes tonight trying to remind me of someone I dated 15 years ago. "You remember. John M_____. You know, YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND? Who lived in Philadelphia? And drove up to NJ to have dinner with you?" Anyone I dated for less than four or five months is not an ex boyfriend, in my book. Anyway, I didn't remember who she was talking about until she reminded me that we all went to a Halloween party one year and he wore elf slippers that curled up at the toe. Then I remembered. Vaguely.

~Work is still crazy crazy crazy. I'm running ragged, really at the end of my rope, and I have done as much business as humanly possible in the last month. Tomorrow is the end of it. I'm barely able to get there.

~ I've been connecting with lots of my friends lately, and introducing the boyfriend to them as well. This is very good.

~I had a terrible, awful morning today. My brand new pants looked like shit, I desperately need new bras, it was raining, and I had no milk for coffee. Bad day continued with empty Metro Card, steady rain, and too much work combined with too little tolerance. Am feeling much better now, though.

~ This morning on the subway I saw a woman carrying an obviously expensive leather bag. In hot pink. For the rest of the ride I contemplated the kind of person that would spend $500 on a HOT PINK bag. I started imagining her closet, with bags and shoes in every trendy shade and style, and then imagining her life. One of those girls who makes good money, is single and living in Manhattan, and is holding on to her youth, adamantly refusing to think about things like investments and retirement, instead spending all disposable income on the trapping she thinks will find her the life she wants. And then I snapped out of it, and surmised that I am just missing some elemental girl gene, the one that can justify obscenely expensive pink accessories.

~ Have been falling into the trap of viewing the boyfriend as the enemy. Vestiges of my marriage. But I will stay focused on this, I will not punish him for things he didn't do, motivations he doesn't have. I WILL stop this. Tomorrow.

~ I have a million and one personal things to do this week. Tonight is Thursday, and I have crossed exactly one thing off the two page list.

Looks like a big day, tomorrow.

Oh, and also - whoever read ALL those pages of this thing yesterday? Leave me a note, will you? Always freaks me out.

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