2002-10-17 - 7:14 p.m.

I realized something today. How very important to me my alone time is. You have to realize, I have never been a solitary person, not since I was 11 or 12. When I was little, 7 or 8ish, I used to sometimes tell my friends in the neighborhood that I was going home for lunch, and then I'd try to never come back, hiding in my room to read. But they'd always come get me, and I spent so many years in a pack. Or at least a small group, not alone. And now that I've gotten a little of it, I desperately need it, crave it even.

So tonight it's pretty nice out, and I really need to do some shopping and get some exercise. But the boyfriend is out in NJ this evening, having an early dinner with his Mom after a meeting, and I knew my window of alone time was limited. And the lure of being here by myself was too strong, so I came right home. I didn't even walk, but took the subway so I could squeeze out every precious minute.

I used to think that this was some sign of a problem in my relationship. That something must be wrong if I craved time away that much. But I realize that it has nothing at all to do with him or my relationship, but my own need to spend time with MYSELF. I don't feel guilty about it, anymore. Pretty amazing. And maybe I've returned to that girl who wanted to lay on her bed and read instead of playing tag in the woods with her friends. And that's what I've been trying to accomplish, isn't it?

Also, possibly due to the cooling weather, I am loving my apartment these days. We've done a little more, hung some more art (BOUGHT some more art, together, hooray for that) hung my glass lanterns in the kitchen window. I had some people over on Saturday night, and I finished lighting the candles on the windowsill in the kitchen, and I stepped back and just thrilled at that little space. I have managed, in this no-privacy 1 bedroom apartment, to create a little haven for myself. And I did it unconsciously. But it's filled with things I love, my things, my mosaic table and the iron chairs, the tile framed mirror, the clay masks that I found hanging on the outside of my first house. The big rosemary plant that P gave me, repotted in a beautiful turquoise glazed pot and saucer, with the rocks and candle and little ivory Buddha that came with the plant. And candles burning on the windowsill, beneath the iron casement windows, and gorgeous mums in a squat, multicolored glass vase. I even took pictures of it, that place I sit and write. Joleen, I'm going to send you one in your package.

I'm also in love with the laundry room. That's right, I'm now doing my own laundry. The truth is, it's not much cheaper to do it yourself, but they always use cheap softener so they don't smell good, and last time I got SOMEONE ELSE'S thong. Which kind of grossed me out. And I'm really finding it soothing, meditative, even. Yes, I really do need to start getting out more.

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