2002-12-21 - 12:02 a.m.

I'm home alone, sitting in the living room, pleasantly buzzed. The tree is lit, and the shitload of presents I wrapped tonight are under it, and all the candles are burning. I am exhausted, physically and mentally, from all the forced gaiety I was subjected to this week. Tuesday night drinks with Jerry and the people I used to work with, Wednesday night work party.

It was a cocktail party, right after work, and a little light on the food, so it turned into a drunk fest. By 9:30 my old boss was drunk and dancing, putting his arm around me and telling everyone that I was always his favorite. Our shop director was drinking tequila out of a port glass, and the office manager was talking to a group of us, barely coherent, and rubbing herself. Literally, running her hands all over her body and wiggling her hips. And she's got a LOT to rub, too. Heh.

And last night, the boyfriends stuffy sit down dinner work party, then drinks with the fun people afterwards, then a birthday party that we didn't arrive at until midnight. I am TOO OLD, y'all. I'm exhausted today, wiped out. I realized I foolishly squandered last weekend, slacking around and not getting any shopping done, because apparently the fact that all the scheduled merry making this week would eliminate any chance for shopping escaped me. Couldn't penetrate my fog of coffee and the F00d Network. But today, although I felt like I got run over by a truck, we had our secret Santa at work with my girls, just six of us, and then Maria's boss took us all out for lunch. And I managed to motivate myself tonight to just try to shop a little in the neighborhood, just at least get SOMETHING crossed off my list, and once I was out I did remarkably well in an hour. I came home, wrapped, and made a list for tomorrow, and so everything's under control. I also bought myself three big tiles, made from old tin ceilings, aged and beautiful, and I'm going to hang them over the windows in the living room. They're fucking perfect. Bonus. And tomorrow night a Christmas party with some old old friends.

I also realized today that I let an awful lot slide this year regarding Christmas. Ok, so I'm last minute shopping, but I got my tree up without any fuss, I didn't bake at all except one batch of gingerbread cookies, no decorating beyond the tree and my cards and a couple of gorgeous velvety pointsettias. I'm doing the seven f1shes for Christmas Eve, and I called yesterday and ordered the fish to be picked up that morning, and I'm not making myself insane getting ready, I'll just pick it up and cook it and set the table and get some wine. And it'll be just fine. I'm not sweating it, not any of it. And you know, that goes for the rest of my life this year, too. I'm learning to let it go. Feels good, feels like progress.

And from here I can see the lights of my tree reflected in the open panel of the living room window, cranked out, and through the glass I can see the glowing gold squares of the lit windows of an apartment building a few blocks away, and I see tree lights in them, as well. I'm going to shut this down, and turn out the lights in here, and look at it until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. About 3 minutes, I'm betting.

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