2002-12-23 - 7:59 p.m.

I stopped at the pet store tonight on my way home, to get presents for the pets in my life. The owner was taking the puppies out of the window in turn and letting them walk around the store, so I stayed for much too long and cuddled a bulldog, and let a skinny little poodle with a big hairdo stand up on its hind legs, paws curled to her chest, lick my fingers. And the pug, oooooh, the pug. And I started thinking that I want a puppy for Christmas, just wishful thinking at first, a little black pug with a bow, and then I thought, no, I want a pound dog, I'd love it if the boyfriend brought me home a big scruffy mutt with a big personality, and then I went right to, yeah, but I can't have a dog in this apartment..and suddenly I remembered something the boyfriends said to me the other day, something that I happily let get crowded out by the Christmas madness.

"I want us to buy an apartment."

B-b-b-BUY an apartment? I made light of it, told him he better start saving his cash, because we can't afford a 2 bedroom in this neighborhood, and I ain't ready to leave. And he spoke calmly, we can look, he can come up with the money maybe.. and I just broke out in a cold sweat. Real Estate. To my way of thinking, that's as binding as marriage. Read: if it doesn't work out, it's something AWFUL to have to deal with. A breaking apart of your life, if you will. And it's funny, I thought I had made a real breakthrough with this whole commitment thing. I finally understand the words partner, commitment, support - the concept of for as long as you both shall live. I look at him sometimes, and I say, yes, yes, he will be here, every morning, and so will I. We will do this.

And we've been talking about marriage, what (small thing) to do and when to do it. And I've been okay with it, wanting it, even. Excited about it, and sure. But this apartment buying has thrown me for quite the loop. It's ok, I'm taking deep breaths. And truly, I just thought it out right here, just now.

And in other news, it's the night before Christmas Eve, and I am relaxing. For perhaps the first time ever. I wrapped everything up at work today, and gave my office gifts, and now I'm home, my dinner just got here, and all I have to do is the cards for the doormen, and pack my stuff for tomorrow. I'll get up early and head to B@lducci's for some last minute things, and then retrieve my Dad's car and head to NJ to start my seven fishes preparation. Merry, merry.

**Oh, and a note. To all of you on Weetabix's card exchange list: Your cards are fabulous and wonderful, and I have a terrible confession to make. I haven't sent them all out yet, so looks like they'll be New Years cards. I'm sorry, I really am, I am not worthy of Weet's projects, I realize this. But it was all about peace of mind this year, you know?

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