2003-01-06 - 11:21 p.m.

But a night alone, every now and then? It's good for both of us, trust me.

It's funny. Before I moved back here, back to the city, I hadn't lived alone ever in my life. Roommates, always, in college and after, and then my ex. And after a few surreal weeks of coming home to a tiny empty apartment without a couch or a table, of not knowing what to do with myself, with all my new found free time, I found myself really enjoying it. Being with myself, for a change, and listening to what I want and need for a few hours..man. I never even knew I needed it before, never even gave it a thought. Alone. I had never been, not physically, anyway, and I learned to do all kinds of things.

So I feel it's been kind of hard won. And I can't give it up. Part of the reason I love the boyfriend - he gets that.

But I think it looks odd, to most people. Last weekend my friend Ellen came over, and the boyfriend was in the living room watching the game, and I was in the bedroom, sprawled on the bed, watching Bl1nd D@te and checking the movie times in the paper. And she kind of laughed, and said, "That's so funny.. you in separate rooms like that." People. We live in a one bedroom apartment. In New York. My kitchen, while large by NY standards (well, at least MY NY standards..)does not exactly invite lolling about. So unless I'm in the shower, we don't have much SPACE from each other. I know couples who have lived, happily, in 300 square feet. I would fucking KILL someone, I don't care who they were or how much in love I was. I need room to breathe.

One of our long standing jokes is my sleep behavior. The boyfriend is a cuddler, he could sleep twisted around me like a pretzel. No chance, I tell you. I can FALL asleep like that, in fact I do, most nights. But once I'm out, I growl and thrash to get that warm body off me. The other night he said he was spooning me from behind, his knees tucked up behind mine, and I jerked my legs straight violently to shake him off and yelled, HOT! And then went right back to sleep. I have no recollection.

Hey,I never said I didn't have issues. I don't think the eyebrow raising is necessary, however.

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