2003-01-27 - 3:54 p.m.

We went to dinner then, and to see a friends band play at Ar1ene's Gr0cery, and then we went around the corner to another bar, leaving before the rest of the group. We stood there, in the crowded, smoky dark bar, and I lit a cigarette and watched the dance of the superficial bar banter. I tried to conjure up some vestige of the girl I used to be, the girl who actually liked doing that, flirting and drinking and talking to strangers. No luck, no trace of her. Which leaves me to wonder if I ever really liked it, once the novelty wore off. Or was I out medicating, trying not to think about the choices I wasn't making, and bolstering my self esteem with the attention of drunken men. Scary. I'm glad those days are over. I'm all for some drinks and conversation in a dark lounge or beers at a dive bar. But those crowded trendy bars? No more.

But I had a really good weekend with the boyfriend. I'm actually feeling quite good these past few days. I feel like the angst has all fallen away, and this whole weekend we connected effortlessly, and after a night out with all those people prowling the bars, I am appreciating the hell out of him, and this relationship. I was scaring myself with the negativity for a while.

Then I had a fabulously lazy Sunday - made breakfast, ran some errands, watched the Tw0 F@t L@dies marathon, and made chili for dinner and tried a new recipe for these roquefort cheese puff things, which were good but not worth the work.

And this morning, I dressed for the cold: Tights, long sleeved tee shirt, two pairs of socks, sweater, the thickest pants I own, fleece, scarf, coat, gloves, hat, shawl. And the minute I left the house my nose, the only uncovered part of me, froze. I walked the block to the subway, feeling the bite of the cold on the front of my thighs, even through all those layers. My office is freezing as well. And there's been many articles locally about how NYers, who pride themselves on thriving in the most grueling urban environment, are all whiny babies about the cold. How this is normal weather for January, and how a couple of warm winters turned us into a bunch of sissies.

And I say, bite me. My fingers are numb, all day, at work. That's just too cold. This ain't Minnesota.

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