2003-02-07 - 9:47 p.m.

And tomorrow, I have to go back for more. Meeting (which I'm supposed to be running and am woefully unprepared for) from 10 to 2, then a store trip. *sigh* I don't know how it'll go. And if I were a different sort of person, I'd be sitting at my desk right now with papers spread out around me, trying to come up with some kind of plan. Being me, I am doing nothing of the sort. Didn't even cross my mind, actually, until I sat here and typed it. I'll wing it.

And I was talking to my internet boyfriend tonight on IM, and we were talking about ambition. Or lack of, more accurately. And although I am good at what I do, I don't really have any ambition about it. This week, someone much higher up in the company, told me in a reverent and benevolent manner that I am very good, and should be running something in the company. And he seemed to expect that I would be grateful, or something like that. As it was, I looked straight at him and told him yes, I know, but I don't want to. And he was incredulous, why not? And I said, I'd be stupid, this is a much better situation for me, and then I explained why. And he looked at me as if I had suddenly emerged, fresh from another planet, from a glowing spaceship. And then the look changed, and I saw something else, which may possibly have been respect. Or it may have been the dawning of the realization of the sheer stupidity of my politically suicidal answer. Either way, really.

Anyway, I don't want to. Run anything, I mean, for them. I like my job, don't get me wrong. But it's not something I love, something that I want to die doing. And running something? In my current situation, I'll make more money with less aggravation where I am. Seems simple to me, really, but apparently, the status of such a position should be enough to entice me. It doesn't, though, and it never will. Most reward for the least amount of stress, that's my M.O.

And I guess it's because it's not what I really want to be doing. And not what I'm capable of doing, either. But this is one deep rut, and I don't see myself doing a damn thing about it, which is a little distressing.

But my life is good now, I'm happy here, in this place. Work is good, keeping me busy and challenged, and the rest of my life is pretty blissful, really. We spent the weekend upstate, and had dinner out on Monday, and dinner with my friends Kim and Jane on Wednesday, and last night Jane stayed with me, and we ordered in cheeseburgers and drank wine and watched TV and talked till late. So it's hard to change it, I don't have any incentive to change the tenous, good balance I have right now.

Luckily, I can't think about it right now. Work tomorrow. Is work considered self-medicating?

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