2003-02-16 - 12:23 p.m.

I'd like to state right off the bat that Valentine's Day this year sent me into a downward spiral of self-analysis.

Valentine's Day is not a big deal to me, and we are relatively low key about it. I worked a little late, and so the boyfriend went for a drink with the guys from work (stranded in the city due to a fire in Penn St@tion) until I was done, and then he brought me candy and we went to dinner. I just don't CARE about it, about roses at work, marked up to $100 for one day only, or stuffed animals or anything like that.

And I started thinking about it, when Deb told me she can't even go out on Valentine's Day because she's alone, and everyone looks at you like you're pathetic, and I thought "Who the hell cares? Why would you even CARE about something like that, this is NYC, there are ALWAYS solo people, every day of the year.

So I started thinking about why I don't care. Is it because I have such low standards, from both my parents example (although they always gave US valentines and candy and special dinners), and from my marriage to that self-centered asshole? Is it because I deep down think I'm not worth being made a fuss over on the designated fuss day? And then I started thinking about my old boyfriends, pre-marriage, who HAD made a big deal of Valentine's Day. I got my favorite gift of my life one year, a first edition of De@th in the Aftern00n, with a gold heart-shaped bookmark, engraved. Or my high school boyfriend, who filled my locker with roses and candy and wrote me long, heart felt missives. Or the Mafia boyfriend, with whom Valentine's Day met red long stemmed roses and diamonds, without fail. So I HAVE had it, it's not that I don't know any better. I'm coming to the conclusion that it's that missing girl gene, and that I truly don't need that kind of dutiful display of love. Flowers on a regular day? Yes. Bringing me coffee in the bathroom when I get out of the shower? Yes. Painting the foyer the color I chose while I'm out shopping and at yoga? Yes. But I don't care about the cuddling teddy bears.

Jesus, you'd think I'd just eat my candy and be happy, wouldn't you?

In other news, yesterday I went shopping and got a few things I needed for the trip, and we went to breakfast at French R0@st (where we sat beside John Leguiz@m0 and his daughter), and then to get me some sneakers. And the boyfriend painted the foyer, the deep rich gold I chose with trepidition, hoping it wouldn't be flat, 50's looking mustard, and it isn't, it's perfect, just what I'd imagined. That's romance to me, right there. Then I went to 5pm yoga, and it was sooo good to be back, and last night we just stayed in and did laundry and watched Leaving L@s Veg@s. Oh, and while I was shopping, they were playing 'Viv@ L@s Veg@s' on the loudspeaker, so I'm taking the Vegas references as a good omen for my impending flight.

I'm not worried, actually, at all. My little freak out seems to have passed, and I'm mighty glad for that. I did go book shopping yesterday, though, for fun plane reading so I can be oblivious. Also saving the Sunday paper for the plane. Deb will be here in a couple of hours to pick me up in the car service, and I'll land around 8:30 tonight. I'll update from there if at all possible.

last - next