2003-07-15 - 10:23 p.m.
I had plans tonight to have a drink with Jerry and Maria, and then Maria and I would come downtown for dinner. We got off to a late start, what with the RIDICULOUS SNEAKING OUT OF THE OFFICE SO WE DON'T HURT ANNE'S FEELINGS..(truly. I am 36 years old. Can I not go out for a drink with anyone I choose? Am I the camp counselor? I think not.) And our plans all flew out the window when Maria broke down at the table in the bar, and we ended up spending the rest of the evening in my apartment, smoking cigarettes and listening to her heart break. It's not my story to tell, and so I won't, but I will say that she was done so wrong that I'd like to rip the motherfuckers eyes out. And she is so sad, my friend. She feels lost and broken, and I wish there was something I could do, but there isn't. I know it and she knows I know it. And I hold her hand, and I choose my words carefully, but I'm worried about her. We've been through alot, Maria and I, all BIG things, from the first day we met. So that was a big huge downer, and I hope she'll be ok. She's in a bad place, and feeling her biological clock tick as well, and Lawd, I been there.I am seeing a lot of life change around me, much of it bad, affairs and sickness and unplanned pregnancies and lies. Makes a person wonder if it works, this marriage gig. And from May through September, I am booked full with weddings, nonetheless. But some good things, too - my friend Kim is finally pregnant, after years of trying, and.. well, that's actually the only good one I can think of. Other than my own good thing, I mean. And you know, I may do it myself soon. Get married, I mean. But I'll do so warily. I don't even want to leave that there, it sounds so horrible, but it's true. And while the fact that this is the right man for me certainly contributes,I do think it'll be better this way.
Because with that view, that lingering little bit of suspicion, you also get a little perspective to see the good things, to appreciate and hold on to the things that DO work. I'm gettin it, y'all. Slowly, but I'm gettin it.
Work has slowed down considerably, and I have a confession to make. I hate it. I think I'm so conditioned to be running at frantic that I shut down when it gets to a normal pace. If I have 75 items on my to-do list, I can get 50 of them crossed off in a day. If I have 5, I'm lucky if I cross off 2. This is not good.
I also have a little travelling coming up, which I'm not that happy about after the hell flight I had last week. I'm trying to get out of a 2 day 1 nighter in LA next week (nooooooooooo) and then I have Atlanta the following week and Vegas 3 weeks after that. Honestly, I better be sedated for those flights.
And that's about it around here. I'm off to make tea and try to write a bit - tomorrow is my brother's last day in town, so we'll trek out to NJ after work for their goodbye dinner. After that, I'll just be hanging in till Friday - wedding in the evening and then heading upstate. I'll try to be back before then.
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last five entries:
done - 2005-09-16
playgroup, my ass - 2005-09-15
late, but heartfelt - 2005-09-13
she lives - 2005-08-18
cheese me - 2005-05-20