2003-09-05 - 9:28 p.m.

I haven't made myself do this, not in ages, not in any form. I need the discipline, sooner or later if I'm sitting here I'll write something, anything, to get writing. The longer I go without it, the harder it is to start back up. Much like the gym. Saw Edge the other night at D2 in Union Square. The woman who played Sylvia Plath was amazing, Angelica@ T0rn - her performance was better than the play, actually.

And work. Man. It looks like the owners of my brand have struck a deal with C and M, and they are going to fire Debbie. And I know far more about this than I want to know, without having any final confirmation. I feel just awful, she fought so hard for me, and she really does put her heart and soul into it. She got this thing up and running, and not only are they going to fire her, the whole market is talking about it, and she has absolutely no idea, is making plane reservations for a business event in San Francisco at the end of the month. Ugh, the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. And what can I do? Nothing. I don't even know if it's true, I can't warn her, I wish I'd never heard anything about it. And she'll be devastated. Absolutely crushed. Ugh.

Am feeling a little better about the boyfriend and I -I still need some therapy, but I do see the fear at work. I see unrealistic expectations, know in my head for them to be so, but nonetheless, there they remain. And I'm still not trusting my gut reflex, is it fear or is it valid? WHAT WILL MY LIFE BE LIKE? But as we all know, you never know. After all, the future is just the here and now, strung together, right?

And before I go, a few random thoughts:

I love opening a new jar of peanut butter. No other sandwich tastes as good as that first one.

Whenever I throw something into my kitchen garbage can ( a metal, step one with a lid), I notice that it's WARM in there. This completely and totally freaks me out. WHY IS IT WARM? There's nothing in there but coffee grinds, junk mail, and a milk carton.

I have had a loaf of Pepper1dge F@rm bread in my refrigerator for, oh, a month maybe. I optimistically pulled some out tonight - still perfectly good. Soft, no mold. A MONTH. What could that stuff be made of? I pitched it. Into the creepy warm garbage can.

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