2003-10-06 - 11:01 a.m.
I am OFF today! Gotta love the three day weekend. Spent it upstate with my parents, which was good and bad, although mostly good. My father is seriously depressed, I think. He suffered a setback, a failure of sorts, a decade ago, and has never really recovered. My dad is not an emotional man, although he has always been affectionate and loving towards us. But he's not introspective, he lived his life the way he was supposed to, and he cannot talk about it or even feel it, I don't think. And my mom is frustrated and neglected, and it's a terribly unhealthy relationship. I am close to my parents, as you know, and this is upsetting me terribly. I need to remember that it is their life, and their choices, and that their problems cannot be my own. All I can do is listen. But it's really hard for me. I think in a way I never properly SEPARATED from my parents, the way most people do. My family has always been my support system, and after years of rebellion I had my world smashed to pieces, and I fell immediately into their embrace. They bolstered me and held me and allowed me to heal, they occupied me and took care of me and held my hair while I kneeled over the toilet, my body trying to reject the grief. I realize how fortunate I was to have had this, that my life could have turned out far differently, much worse, without them. And I tried to make my married life with them, in their world. When that blew up, again I turned to them.This is really the first time in my life that I have lived without them. And while physically that's easy, emotionally it's more complicated. It's long overdue, I know, and I'm usually ok with it. But when I see them together now, how unhappy they are, well, I want to step in and fix it for them. And I know I can't. But that knowledge doesn't seem to ease the knot in my belly.
And I am loving the boyfriend these days, spending all our time together appreciating him. That's the upside, I guess. I had a really disturbing dream last night, though. Someone had a party for me, some kind of party, like a wedding reception almost, fancy, - and my ex husband was there, with his fiancee and another girl. His fiancee was an older looking, plain woman, with a doughy face and thin permed hair in a mousy halo around his face. The other girl was more attractive, brown hair and red lipstick, big smile. I was surprised to see him there, and tried to pass by with a wave and hello, and he got up and cornered me, wanted to talk, looking earnest. I was getting frustrated, trying to get away, aware of the party going on, all those people out there waiting, and, true to form, he was oblivious, as the sun rises and sets on him in his universe, trying to get me to listen. Hmm.
So I'm now going to try to go out and turn this day around. It's actually beautiful out, sunny and cool, and I can smell the heat coming up from the old radiators in the apartment. I love that smell, how it brings out the smell of the wood floors as well, makes it seem like you can smell the sunshine baking the floors. I'm going to get my hair cut and highlighted (movie star hair!) and a pedicure, and run some errands. I'm also thinking about flowers and maybe some cookie baking. My antidote.
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last five entries:
done - 2005-09-16
playgroup, my ass - 2005-09-15
late, but heartfelt - 2005-09-13
she lives - 2005-08-18
cheese me - 2005-05-20