2004-02-07 - 11:48 a.m.

Now, let me backtrack. Have you ever suspected something, or come across something suspicious, or heard a rumor, and just KNOWN, in your gut, that it's true? Well, clearly I have, in the past, and it's never been wrong, although I have justified and rationalized and pushed that feeling down. An example of this was my ex-husband - toward the end of our marriage, when things were really bad, I suspected he was cheating. It was just a sort of wondering at first, as we were sleeping in separate rooms and not talking, and my ex was someone who needed validation. And then we hosted his law firm Christmas party at our house, and I went into the kitchen to get more wine. I wasn't in there a minute when the new secretary came in - I had dismissed her immediately when I first met her, because she was a dumb, silly girl, and had never really given her another thought. But a minute later, the ex came into the kitchen through the other door, and boom. I felt it, a little physical zing. A few months later I left, and a few months after that he came to me, crying and begging me to come back, telling me he had realized what he'd had. After much pushing from me, he confessed that he had spent the prior weekend away with said secretary, and realized how much I meant to him. And I was hurt, and humiliated, but mostly I was angry. Furious, in fact, and I screamed at him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I KILLED HIM. Now, I was pissed at him, sure, and didn't believe him when he said it hadn't started until I left, but mostly I was pissed at myself. For ignoring that feeling, you know? I felt like a fool. I knew it two months prior, I knew it. Somehow.

Well, the point of that story is, I did NOT feel that feeling last night. In fact, I have never felt that way ever with him, and while I never say never, cheating and lying are not part of the boyfriends makeup. He did lie to me, once, about something minor, and 10 minutes later was sprawled across me on the bed confessing.

So, when I found those phone calls, I thought about it for a minute, and then I put it down. And picked it up again. And then I went on reverse phone number lookup and, well, looked it up. *cringe* Because like millions of suspicious women before me, old habits die hard. And it was a woman, on the upper east side. Still I didn't feel it, knew in my heart that this was nothing, so I went and read some journals, while her name swirled around in the recesses of my mind.

Now, what I SHOULD have done, I realize, is think about this some more, or sleep on it maybe, and, based on what I've said about the boyfriend, just let it go. But of course that's not what I did. No, instead, when he called me from upstate, I casually asked him if he knew someone by that name. He said,no, he didn't think so, and I told him why and, as usual, pushed the issue, until his friend A, who was with him, told him that it was their friend Jim's sort-of girlfriend.

Jim, who, uh, sometimes goes upstate with the boyfriend if I'm away. And as soon as he said it I remembered, Jim was there when I was in Miami, it clicked into place, but of course by then it was too late. I had already accused him of something I knew he wasn't doing. As if I didn't trust him. And worst of all, he's away for the weekend snowboarding, and I know it's going to be making him feel like shit all weekend, because that's how he is. Even though I called him back and , told him I was sorry and ashamed and sick about it, and he said it was ok.

I suck.

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