2004-02-17 - 10:39 p.m.

And then it was Christmas, and he drove me home from a party in the snow, and I kissed him. And when I think about it now, I can't believe I passed it up. He was out west, in law school, and he called me every night and sent me gifts he couldn't afford in the mail. He wrote me letters, and sent me clippings he thought I would like. Sent me flowers, and asked me to pick him up at the airport when he came home on break, and we'd go back to his parents house and sit at the table, and they were always in their pajamas. He took me to lunch, and to the movies, and slept over, cooked dinner with me in the little kitchen of my apartment, and slept in my brass bed, and smiled big when he woke up in the morning and saw me there. He was handsome and funny and smart and loved my Mom.

And I couldn't take it. It's hard for me to even write this, actually. I felt that everything had changed, so suddenly, my buddy turned into this, this, BOYFRIEND, and I felt, well, betrayed. And smothered. And I hurt him, badly. I was selfish and fucked up and I just didn't want to DEAL, goddamnit, so I was dismissive of his feelings, completely unaware, trapped, as it turns out, in my own giant inflated head. My friend Jeannie is his childhood best friend, and recently she mentioned him. I said, "Oh my God, J, how is he?" And she laughed and said, I can't even mention your name to him.

And I couldn't possibly tell you how this pains me now. For him. I want to email him, I googled him and found his address, and I want to tell him how terribly sorry I am. How my biggest regret in life is how I hurt him. But how can I do that? It seems so.... arrogant. To think he'd even care. To write an email to make myself feel better. I am a better person now, and I have a million reasons for my behavior back then, not one of which is an excuse. And now? I think he's the man I should have married, the first time.

No crying over spilt milk.

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