2004-03-12 - 10:59 p.m.

And I feel incredibly bonded with the boyfriend. It feels good for both of us, for me to share in his excitement. Last night we went to the party-in-a-bar our friend was throwing herself, and it was mostly the boyfriends friends, and the usual share of randoms. But last night I bonded with the women, and one friend of mine was there as well, and we huddled around a table talking about books and kids and New Orleans, and every so often I'd look up and see the boyfriend looking at me, smiling when he caught my eye. I agreed to try their book club when it turned out their book this month was one I'd just finished, and Karen explained to me that it was a fairly random group of women, but all interesting, and they have book club in a cafe and drink wine and eat and get to know each other. And, oh, yeah, they discuss the book too. Sara and I discussed that she was the only one in the group with a child, and she said all her friends with kids lived outside the city, and I said me, too, and I worried about that, and she grabbed my hand and said, "go ahead, do it, I'll be your friend" And I made tentative plans for Power Y0ga, and talked about doing Sunday apartment open houses with Sara and Fiona.

I have closed myself off to these women, focusing on our differences and imagining all sorts of obligatory gestures that striking up friendships require, and then I though, wait a minute. I have my friends, my lifelong friends, that I can count on completely. And these women, while different from me in many ways, aren't some high drama clique. They're disparate women, with their own different lives, seeking social outlets with other women. What am I shutting myself off from? I am actually quite excited about this breakthrough. It's been a long winter.It also helped that everyone was ridiculously thrilled about us getting married. They hugged me and told me how great we were together, that they saw the change in him immediately when we got serious, that they were all so happy.

So then the boyfriend wanted to leave, and we drove home and discussed everything that happened, and laughed and gossiped all the way home and while we got ready for bed, and since the boyfriend has been working his ass off this week and had to get up at 5am, I stayed up and set up the coffee on timer for him as a surprise, and then I smoked a cigarette and by the time I went to bed he was passed out. And my heart swelled, really. It's all good.

Like my own personal spring.

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