2002-08-08 - 10:52 p.m.

I kissed him at nap time in kindergarten. Got up off my Raggedy Ann nap rug and ran over and kissed him while he slept. I was a shameless little hussy, then.

I got to work, booted up my computer, checked my voicemail, and he called. His mom, who had been sick for some time, has died. He was partially in shock, I could tell. His voice cracked as he told me what happened,and I sat there listening with tears running down my face. I grew up with him, intertwined, like siblings. Grew up with his mother, who grew hard after his dad died, and a little crazy. She always told me how she wished we'd married, and he told me the same thing, once or twice. But, you know.

And so I arranged with the boyfriend to get the car, and I was going to drive out tonight, just to see him, just to be there for him, my lifelong friend. I sat on Varick for two hours, raging, and turned on the traffic report to hear that a disabled car had closed the tunnel. I called him, got the machine. Called my mother, railed and carried on, sat in the same spot for four more light changes. And then I made a right, and headed to Greenwich, and went home. And when I turned the corner, I pulled the car over and cried.

I feel awful, terrible that I'm not there. I feel guilty and shitty and I just wanted to put my arms around him and tell him I'm here. I will go tomorrow, and go to both viewings and go out with him after and go to the funeral on Saturday, and the lunch after. I'll make coffee and hug his wife and play with his kids. But I'd planned to drive back to the city after I saw him tonight, I have to be back to work in the morning, at least for a few hours. Things are crazy, in a good way, but I've got to take care of a few things before I go.

And I feel terrible. I went out and had a glass of wine at the bistro on the corner with the boyfriend and his friend, who did their best to cheer me up. But I declined their offers of a dive bar or some coffee, and now I'm home.

I'll be there tomorrow. He has a wife, and two kids, and his mother in law there. I called, and got the answering machine. He wasn't expecting me to be there.

So why do I feel like I'm failing him?

last - next