2001-10-03 - 11:52 p.m.

So I've started making lists, as part of my plan to pull myself out of my funk. And tonight, sitting at Little Basil with Jerry, I realized that I've begun putting EVERYTHING on those lists. Regular, everyday things, that no reasonable person should have to write down.

It dawned on me tonight that it's my knee-jerk response to the chaos - some order, however small.And I'm using the lists as a sort of guide to my day. Leave work, look at list: oh, yeah, manicure and pedicure. I'll do that now. Dry cleaners. Yes. Directions on how to carry on.

I've been here before. This seems like a somewhat diluted version, as I do have some distance to this tragedy. But it's the same need to give myself a plan, a course of action, SOMETHING to do next. I've learned, in my life, how to focus on the small, as some protection against the overwhelming, against the chaos. It's a terrible day when you come to the realization that you do not, in fact, have any control at all over what happens. Over the big things. But the little things help rebuild the illusion, a bit.

And as usual, I feel like I should be further along on the road back to normal, I should be moving forward, faster.

Tonight, after coffee, Jerry was leaving to catch his train. And on his way out, he said, "Don't be so hard on yourself, man. Stop with the lists."

I'll try. Try to relax, and take it as it comes, try to just be. But I still need the stupid lists.

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